Lily Allen Cries Herself to Freedom

The Rise of Lily Allen and Demise of the Guardian

Long-time listener, multiple time commenter, I’ve been a reader of the Guardian for a long time, since my swirling youth trying to make sense of why the Daily Mail and the Sun were utter troglodytes of the media world – something which I still don’t understand, but hey-ho.

At the time the Guardian seemed like a beacon of hope in what was, in retrospect, a comfortable and easy life at university.

So why all the crying bullshit and ‘feelings’ pieces the paper is becoming increasingly reliant on? I understand that in a globalised world, with news 24 occupying your commute to and back, as well as catching up with the stuff at any time during any day or night, it can be hard to fill your columns. But in the last month alone, Lily ‘I’ve got a sad expression on my face to show remorse’ Allen has been becoming increasingly vocal and seen on the paper and every time I read her smug, self-indulgent pontificating I have to put down my smartphone before I test out it’s gorilla glass screen.

Let me help you a little to jog your noggin.

October 14th

Lily Allen does what most politicians haven’t and goes to the Calais camp. She claims that it is, specifically the English, and their fault that the illegal immigrants are in Calais and trying to come across the water of the English Channel. One could argue that foreign policy in the Middle East has created the crisis that we’re in now, but what stopped this man from settling in all of the other suitable and perfectly safe countries this man and others have passed through? Austria, Italy, Greece, Turkey, and last but not least France. But, no this boy, and others with him, have their heart set on the UK. Bless. I’ve always wanted to travel through Australia. Maybe Lily can chuck me a bit of change to get me there? It’s my dream after all – and that’s the main thing here. Fulfilling everyone’s dreams.

Allen says:

“At three different intervals… the English in particular have put you in danger… We’ve bombed your country, put you in the hands of the Taliban and now put you in danger of risking your life to get into our country. I apologise on behalf of my country. I’m sorry for what we have put you through.”

First of all, the UK is not responsible for the minds and ideology pushed by the Taliban and what they want to accomplish. As much as the UK government wishes, or any other country, no one has the kind of power available to make people believe in something like radical Islam.

She goes on to speak for a nation and apologise to a boy that no one has met or directly affected. My ma and pa worked for forty years in low paid jobs in supermarkets and caravan factories. They did not drive any refugee from Syria, Afghanistan or other the multiple other countries that don’t register with refugee status on to the shores of Calais.

According to Allen, they’re now implicitly racist in this and should apologise? Including all of my extended family, friends and one time Facebook associates. Thanks for taking that plunge for all of us Lily. You’re a real martyr.

As a lyricist and “musician” you’d expect her to be able to string a sentence together that is more eloquent and to the point, but she fucks it up on so many levels and fluffs her lines to such a degree that she then, obviously, receives “Post Brexit Backlash” because the two are somehow related – not the fact we have international borders for protection and to justify the processes of legal immigration. Still though. She did cry – which is good for the new ‘feelings’ market which seems to be growing rapidly.

Everyone man and his dog now can bleat victim hood and get to whatever destination they desire is it Allen? You smug, foppish, fool.

There is a legal process for immigration for a reason. Any person with half a brain knows that if you accept everyone on some kind of “lucky pass” system, then the camp would be up and running but with twice as many people in a fortnight.

Shortly after she had “spoken for the country” this happened on the 28th Oct. –

‘Singer tells how driver also called her a ‘stupid tart’ when refusing to collect her after she urged UK to take more refugees’

Right, okay, great. Do I care? Why do you care? Someone said something impolite. I get it, it’s not nice. I cycled once up to a junction and a woman called me a ‘dick head’ because I had to slam my breaks on because she was talking on her phone. Is that what we do when someone insults us now? It makes national news?

Can someone be so dumb and blind to the issues that you think that when you start proclaiming yourself as the speaker of the country, someone, somewhere is going to take umbrage with it, which is exactly how anyone feels when someone they don’t wish to being making statements for them, does exactly that. If my girlfriend was to hypothetically start answering questions for me when I’ve not asked her to, then yeah, I’d be pissed off.

But it’s okay, because she cried and that, yeah? Her feelings. That’s what matters. The crying. Remember the crying? It was up close in the camp. They crying ‘n that?

Last but not least, this morning – Nov. 2nd – we’re greeted with this:

“She (Honey G) has done really well on X Factor and ITV is pouring money into her. I’m not black but I find it offensive. So wrong on so many levels, I can’t even start to talk about it.”

The Official Spokeswoman for the Country is back and she’s deemed Honey G’s act is too offensive for her and everyone else at the same time. Sorry, what? If you’re too upset to talk about it, then keep your big mouth shut in the first place.

Let’s be clear. I fucking hate X-Factor. It’s a bunch of saddos on stage singing and performing on a Saturday night when on any other given weekend they’d be down the local chugging on fags and lagers, but who gives a flying shit?

But what gives Lily Allen or any of the other people the right to say that it shouldn’t be allowed on TV? I watched a couple of videos and she looks ridiculous, sounds awful and she can’t rap for toffee. So where’s the problem? I don’t find it funny or good music and I won’t follow Honey G any more than this article, but just because I don’t like it, doesn’t mean I’m going to call for its removal.

Lola Okolosie called it a few weeks before that it’s modern day black face. That is an absolutely scandalous comparison. It’s a ludicrous statement to make. She’s a white woman who raps. She wasn’t the first and she won’t be the worst. No one battered an eyelid when Eminem rose to fame, or when Goldie Lookin’ Chain became prominent for their ‘funny’ rapping. Is that what it takes for cultural appropriation these days? Just doing something that is normally associated with another race? Well in that case, everyone making fun of a poor quality or ugly shirt, take it off and send it back to Egypt. They originated there so all you white people wearing shirts, take them the fuck off. They’re the only ones culturally allowed to wear them. Your ugly over priced Italian designer shoes? Don’t say anything bad about them or you’ll have to send ‘em back to Italy, where only Italians can wear them.

Prof. Green (not a real academic) said that Honey G was making fun of rap. Oh right. That’s that then, ban her. The British aren’t a nation of piss-takers are they? Stop all the jokes right now. Stop. Jokes about the weather? You’re offending Pagans. Jokes about Jesus Christ? Offensive to Christians. Jokes about McDonalds employees? No, it’s classist. Stop it.

The point of Honey G has confounded me but then again I don’t get half the shit that is meant to be funny on Youtube or wherever anyway, but trying to ban thoughts, jokes, books, art, no matter who does it, doesn’t work and we’d be in danger of becoming a nation run by the thought police.

If the Guardian and Allen and whoever believes that kind of thing gets us anywhere, then it gives rise to the victim hood gambit. Anyone is perfectly allowed to shout ‘unfair’ at any point in time and get something banned and there goes our free society. There goes freedom of speech, freedom of expression, freedom of thought.

If you don’t like something Allen, get the fuck over it. To quote your own song, ‘Fuck You’.


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