Yes, here we are again. It’s that time of the year folks. All bets are laid down and we’re off! It’s the “Who the fuck is playing on the Pyramid Stage at Glastonbury 2017?” guessing game. Except this year it seems the headliners have been fairly booked in for a while.
As Michael Eavis said – that’s Mr. Eavis to those who haven’t had your Glastonbury cherry plucked – said a while back that the headliners had been decided well in advance. So far in advance that the 2016 festival hadn’t even really finished. He also said that two of the lead bands would be groups that had played before.
Step forward Radiohead and take a bow. They were confirmed a couple of weeks ago and now it’s down to the hotshots on all of the music insider forums to duke it out until the death to predict the remaining two. Stone Roses and Daft Punk were clear favourites, but having both rumours shot down in quick fashion by Emily Eavis – same rules apply; it’s Ms. Eavis to you – they are now off the board and out of the gate and down the road having a pint and a croissant respectively wherever the heck they happen to be. As with the Roses, it’s obvious where they are, rolling around in heaps of cash from their newest announcement of stadium tours. As for Daft Punk, it’s anyone’s guess. Maybe just playing checkers in a moody jazz bar in downtown Paris.
Let’s take a look at who might be headlining then, using the Radiohead rating system.
Radiohead: Confirmed already.
2017 Chances: 10/10
Greg’s Enthusiasm: 10/10 – Probably my favourite band of all time. I’ve seen them 3 times now, a fourth at Glastonbury on the Pyramid would be gold dust.
Red Hot Chili Peppers:
They’ve been tipped to do it before and they are arguably big enough. They’ve played plenty of times across the bill at a whole heap of UK festivals but have yet to reach the pinnacle of headlining Glastonbury. They had their chance in 1993 but cancelled due to Flea suffering from chronic fatigue syndrome. Without a doubt, they have the hits and swashbuckling bravado to do it, but has their opportunity moved on?
2017 Chances: 4/10
Greg’s Enthusiasm: 7/10 – they’ve got enough of a back catalogue ranging from funk to grunge to rock and ballads. Would be a good singalong – if they stick to their hits.
Another band that had to be pulled after an injury/illness to one of their members after Dave Grohl wrecked the whole thing by breaking his chuffing leg. Always a band that have a healthy audience and seem to be popular with pop enthusiasts and many rock fans alike, they certainly have enough songs to do a good job. They recently teased out a photo on their website showing a red invasion of Europe’s lights, with Portugal being the first to be ‘infected’.
2017 Chances: 9/10 – on some websites they’ve been labelled as close as possible to being confirmed.
Greg’s Enthusiasm: 5/10 – with a few drinks inside and a good enough crowd they could be a great way to wind down on a Sunday night in the south west. Not a fave, but could be a laugh.
The ‘Ga’ has been one of the most prominent female artists of the last five or so years. Up there with Adele, Beyonce and Rhianna as one of the top selling artists, she has a pop flamboyance that would be well suited to a night of karaoke tunes that would warm the cockles. She’d not be playing to a ‘home’ crowd in as much that she’s very much at one end of the music spectrum to the tradition of the fest, but in recent years, who has really given two shits? She has most notably played on the Other stage and could well be in line for a bump up to the top billing. With a new album out and a host of songs that you all know, she could be a real surprise.
2017 Chances: 6/10
Greg’s Enthusiasm 6/10 – Would definitely be a laugh and you’d know all the songs, even if you weren’t aware of that fact leading up to the weekend. Potential for a lot of fun.
He’s taken a sabbatical for the last year or so, going off and exploring himself and all that bollocks. Punting in Bangkok, drinking Chai tea in a floral garden in China. You know the drill. Despite all that soul searching he remains one of the most followed male sing songwriters (if you can call him that with all those writing credits on his albums) out at the moment. He performed in 2014 and did well, but could the biggest gig of his life be waiting for him after he stops getting henna tattoos and smoking opium through a pineapple? He’s got the tunes and the fan base and Glastonbury have already inquired a couple of times. It’s inevitable.
2017 Chances: 9/10 – almost nailed on. There have been rumours since 2015 about him headlining and now betting shops have stopped taking anymore punts on him doing it. Could be declared before Christmas.
Greg’s Enthusiasm: 2/10 – I have tried to like this guy, but sorry Ed, I’m just not a fan.
Another one of those long time rumours and one of the bands that Michael has said he’d love to have play over and over again without getting a hint of shit from them. They nearly played a few years back but it seems they require a stack of cash so large that it would block out the Arcadia spider DJ booth thing. It’s a bit disappointing, but hey-ho, it’s a money business these days (or so my dad keeps telling me).
2017 Chances: 1/10 – not a fucking sniff
Greg’s Enthusiasm: 9/10 – I’d ruddy love it if they would do it and they’d smash it with the amount of songs they have at their disposal. Shame.
So, there you have it. It looks like the final two headliners will be Ed and the Foo Fighters playing on the Saturday and Sunday nights respectively. It should be noted that these are only what I’ve heard from different sources but as ever, nothing is certain. In conclusion mind you it’s not that bad.
On balance you can compare it to any of the previous years and be quite content that there’s something for everyone. Ed is for the pop moguls, Radiohead for the aficionado’s (or they like to think they are), and the Foo’s are kind of for everyone.
Just like Adele, Muse and Coldplay were in 2016.
Remember, leave a comment if you like this line up or not, if you have heard anything different and if you would like to contribute something to the website.
You heard it here first people!